Wednesday, April 12, 2017

Fill the Dang Silence

For so long I stopped writing on this blog because I felt no one cared what I was writing and I was told to stop talking about unhappy things all the time.

Literally people told me "if you just focus on the positive then you'll feel better!" So I felt that if I didn't have anything positive happening in my life then it wasn't worth posting.

I think that's where the whole "social media lies" come from. The fact that we only post our highlight reels and never show the rest of the world what really goes on. I follow instagramers that lead beautiful lives, or so I think, but their lives look beautiful and the look so put together all the time, and I think to myself "I will never be that beautiful, I will never be that put together" and it really starts taking a hit to my self esteem.

When people told me I needed to stop talking about, or that it was embarrassing that I talked about my mental illnesses so much and I did stop, that was when things got so much worse for me to the point where I considered, very seriously, of ending my life. Because I felt that my voice was taken from me. That my voice didn't matter, the things I say don't matter and that they tried very hard at silencing my voice.

I don't know what was going on in there own lives but I hope they never have to understand what it's like to be silenced. Silenced because no one wants to hear about their times of trouble. I feel that so many people don't want to stand by you in times of trouble, they only want to stand with you and be there with you when you succeed.

So I stopped. I stopped talking, I stopped opening up. I forgot why I wrote about my depression and anxiety in the first place. I wrote for those who were suffering in silence and felt they were alone in the world. I wrote to educate those around me of what it was really like to have a mental illness. I wrote so others knew what it was like so they could help and see warning signs and prevent some tragedies from happening.

I almost took my life because my voice was taken. But I realized, I have a voice and I will never be silenced. My life isn't full of just happy times with beautiful smiles. It's filled with hard work, tears, days spent laying on a couch taking every ounce to get off and fight.

Life is amazing, but it's so hard and it's filled with good days and bad days and we should be allowed to open up to others about our struggles and seek comfort from them.

So if you ever felt you were silenced, get your voice back. Reclaim it, you have a voice, use it and use it for good and never be silenced again!

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