Monday, September 5, 2016

A choice you can never undo

So... lets get this out there. I almost committed suicide last October. And since September is national suicide prevention or awareness month. I decided to share my story of what happened last year.

 Suicide is such a taboo subject. No one wants to talk about it. No one wants to even think about it. And if someone ever does commit suicide everyone says the same thing "I didn't see this coming, they seemed so happy, they always were smiling and I didn't see that anything was wrong. why didn't they say something"

(Last October, see the dead look in my eyes?)

Suicide is a very selfish act. But most of the time, the person who is in that position doesn't actually think about it like that, they just want the pain to stop. They don't want to hurt their family. In fact, they feel they are already hurting their family and that they will no longer be a burden to them anymore.

In October of last year, I almost took my own life. Things had been going bad for awhile, I went off my anti depressants, and I was all over the place. I was going to talk to my doctor about getting back on meds, when the day before my appointment, I almost took my own life.

I ended up calling my dad, and telling him that I needed him to take me to the hospital because I was scared I was going to hurt myself. I was crying so hard. I just wanted my own pain to stop.

My dad, and my brothers all ended up calling the cops, my mom rushed over, and the cops came over and escorted me to the hospital, where I ended up getting pink slipped, and put on a 72 hour suicide watch. I wasn't allowed to go anywhere alone for the 72 hours. I went back on medication, I went to counseling, and Zack and I started to work out a lot the problems going on.

 (A picture of the actual room where I was taken too, there was nothing in this room, and a window on the door to make sure you can't do something to yourself.)

I look at how different my life is right now, than what it was a year ago, and what it was last October. 1. My marriage is SOO much better. Zack and I can laugh, can talk, we are best friends, and we are acting like a married couple now, not just roommates.

(Last October, and now)

2. I'm happier, I love my life. I don't want anything to change. Ever. And last year, I wanted anything and everything to change.

3. Things are going so well. I'm physically better, I'm emotionally stable. I'm spiritually doing so much better.

(geez the one on the left doesn't even look like me!) 

4. I have a support group. I felt like last year everyone was leaving me, that I wasn't good enough. And now, I feel like I have support and love of those around me.

I've learned tips and tricks of things I can do if I feel depressed or anxious. It's not an easy journey trying to overcome it. But I did.

Suicide is a decision that you can never undo. And I thank my Heavenly Father every. Single. Day. that I didn't make the decision to end my own life, or I wouldn't have seen how simply amazing my life is today.

My message to you, things get soo much better. Get the help you need. There is hope. There is light. Things won't be dark forever. Just hold on. Because when you finally make it like me. You can say. "I made it." And you'll say it with a real smile on your face!

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