Wednesday, July 8, 2015

To the angels in my life

Last night was a dark day for me. One of the darkest in awhile. I've been doing well on my new medication but lately, I've been feeling the darkness close in. And I can't get it to go away. I wanted it to stop. I wanted the darkness to go away.

I sat in my closet thinking about all the reasons why I could just walk away and not look back. Why it would be better for everyone if I just wasn't a problem anymore. My pain would stop and nobody would have to worry about me.


And then a little girl ran into me. A little girl who calls me mama. Who smiles at me. And for a moment there was a sliver a light in my darkness. It gave me a moment of doubt. And that moment of doubt was what I needed.


What a selfish thing for me to be thinking! I'm that little girls mom. She loves me unconditionally and I was just going to leave her in the world alone, with no mom. How selfish and cruel of me! I knew there was something else going on and I knew I needed to figure it out and fast.

I got on my knees this morning and shamefully it's been the first time I have in a long time and actually opened up to Heavenly Father and told Him exactly what was going on in my heart. I told him I couldn't handle the darkness anymore and I needed light in my life. I needed answers and I needed to be happy again. I needed to be more. And that I know He has more planned for my life than this. And I asked what I did to deserve so much sorrow and sadness and darkness in my life.

I went on lds.org and started to do some research. I knew Heavenly Father wasn't just going to give me the answer. I had to do my part. Did you know they changed their website? I didn't. And they have a whole section dedicated to helping people suffering from different things.

And as I was reading the answer came to me. And I knew, I knew exactly what was going on. And that this wasn't a punishment.This wasn't me being a horrible person. This wasn't my life coming to an end. This was because of series of events that happened that was out of my control and ended up contributing to my problem. And there was my light.

And then I started to think of the angels in my life. All the light in my life. All the happiness in my life. So many out there cheering me on. People giving me words of encouragement. People out there truly wanting me to get better.




My one and only guy. The guy who puts up with so much and tells me how amazing I am even when I don't deserve it. Who loves me despite everything we've gone through. Who has stuck by me.


My little girl who loves me more than life itself. Who keeps me smiling and going. I'd be lost without her. She's my reason to breathe and my reason for life.


My dad. My crazy goofy weird dad. The one who keeps me on my toes. Who talks my head on straight. Who keeps me laughing and going.


My mom my biggest supporter. The woman who loves me unconditionally and protects me fiercely.


My brothers. The people I can count on always. The ones who stand by my side. Who are my closest friends. Who love me despite my flaws.


My Sophi loo! This little girl was another light in my life when things were dark! I love her like my own and I thank Heavenly Father everyday for her presence in my life!


Whitnator! My sister my friend, my protector. Who talks to me like a true sister. The sister I've always wanted. The sister I love :)


My brookie! Can you believe she won't take pictures with me? The goober. I love that she calls me ee-ee. She has brought light to me in this world as well.

And everyone else! Everyone who has ever said a kind thing to me. Who lifted my spirits. Who took time out of there day to text me, or call me, or see me. To ones who cry with me. The ones in the wings watching over me.

I love you all. You guys all bring so much light in my life! I feel blessed to have angels in my life. I feel blessed to have amazing people in my life. And I'd be a fool to let that go! So THANK YOU! Thank you for being there for me! Your kindness and never wavering faith in me makes me feel incredibly blessed. I love you guys!

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