Friday, June 12, 2015

There she is

For the past year I lost who I was. I didn't remember the girl who used to look in the mirror. I hated what I saw. I wanted to find my way back to the girl who laughed, who had fun, who took risks, who smiled. Who could light up a room. Who could get in a room full of people and not have a problem getting up and being the center of attention. I missed her. I loved being her.

But for the past year I looked in the mirror and it was like a stranger was looking back at me. I rarely smiled. I never took risks. I never laughed. I hated being around people (still do) I get anxiety just thinking about having all eyes on me.

I hated being like that. I hated how empty and alone I felt. I hated how withdrawn I became. How much I let people get to me. I felt like I was going insane. I wasn't me. This wasn't me. That smile wasn't mine. It wasn't happy. It was forced. This fake facade I was putting on wasn't me. I yearned so much to be me again. I tried everything I could to be me again. But no matter how much "effort" I put in, I just wasn't ME!

I got on medication finally and I started to feel normal. But I still wasn't me! Sure, the medication helped me get out of bed in the morning. Took away the suicidal thoughts/tendencies. I stopped snapping at people and being so ornery and agitated. I stopped blowing up at the littlest thing. But I still felt EMPTY.

If you were to ask Zack, sure I was a little bit better to live with but I still wasn't me. I had no desire to be me again. I just figured this is who I was now. The girl who rarely smiled. The girl who was anxious about everything. Who hated everything. Didn't enjoy anything and felt like I annoyed everyone and everything. I tried. I tried so hard to be me again. And at times I saw glimpses of the old me.

But I rarely saw that old me. I rarely felt like me. And I started to lose it. I was never going to see her again. I went back to the doctor with no hope. She put me on something else. And told me it should be just about a week turn around. But to be honest. I wasn't hopeful. Two days ago, I got home from school and Madeline was asleep. And Zack and I were messing around and talking and just being us. When Zack stopped dead in his tracks and just looked at me. I couldn't figure out why he was looking at me like that. I asked him what?

He got the biggest grin on his face and looked at me and said "Ah, there she is. There's the girl I married. I was wondering where you were." I couldn't help my face splitting grin. I was me again. For the first time in over a year, I went to bed with a smile on my face. And that smile hasn't left my face. Because I'm back. I'm me again. (and of course I made us take pictures the moment Zack said that because I needed to document the me coming back!)

That's my smile on my face. That's happiness glowing from every part of my face. That's HAPPINESS my friends. HAPPINESS!!! That's ME! That's me smiling. That's me, loving my life. That's me who hasn't had the smile wiped from my face.That's me crying tears of joy that I found me. That's ME!!!!

And it's good to be back! ;)

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