Tuesday, June 9, 2015

God's Timing

I haven't been in the mood to write lately. But there has been so much that has happened and I feel I should really write my feelings down at this important time.

A long time ago. (Okay almost 10 years ago) I was sitting in Sunday school. The previous week I wanted to give up on life. I constantly asked Heavenly Father why me? Why is this happening to me? And I would pray and pray that it would end. And one day I got so frustrated that I told Heavenly Father if He wasn't going to do anything I was done talking to Him. 

So back to Sunday School, my teacher got up and was telling a story and a trial he had to go through. And one thing that has stuck with me my whole life was this: "Heavenly Father can't stop bad things from happening to you. But He won't let it go on forever"

I've used that my whole life to remind myself that Heavenly Father can't stop someone else's free agency. But He won't let you suffer forever. 

So last week before my doctors appointment I was really feeling sorry for myself asking "why me?" again. Wondering why I have to go through such hard things. And I know there are others who are suffering more than me. But there are others who aren't. So... why me? Why them? 

I don't think I can accurately describe that darkness that was surrounding me. I thought back in October I would get better. And here I was not getting any better. I was about the same again. And I kept thinking "Why...? I want to be better, I'm trying so hard, I'm suffering so much and I just want it to end. I've been a faithful servant to you haven't I Heavenly Father? I really can't do this anymore."

I walked into my doctors appointment with no hope. and after all my murmuring Heavenly Father STILL blessed me and found another way to help me get better.

And then I've still been struggling. With wondering how I was going to be a mom, a wife, a student, and a part time employee. How in the world am I going to juggle all of this. Sunday I spent most of the day working on homework and taking tests. Yesterday I was at work, then doing homework and then school. I hardly got to see my baby. and I'm only taking 2 classes this semester! I've come up with solution, after solution, after solution trying to figure this out. And I didn't even turn to my Heavenly Father and ask him for help. But I finally said "Heavenly Father, this is in your hands now" I found a solution I thought was going to work out but thankfully my parents saved my butt from that disaster.

Then I thought things worked itself out again with all my classes and work just sliding in the right places. But I forgot all about the homework load. And all my free time would be spent doing homework... And I've gotten stressed and just started to feel sorry for myself again.

And then Heavenly Father did it AGAIN! After my stressing out and not turning to Him and freaking out and murmuring against Him, He still blessed me with the answer and the solution our family needed.

So basically this post is me saying: Don't doubt Heavenly Father. Not for one second. He knows EXACTLY what He is doing. He truly has our best interest at heart and He truly knows us and knows what we need. I'm so grateful for Him, and the fact that He can fix all my problems and show me that He's got my back. And He'll help me. I just need to ask.

My favorite painting reminding me that no matter how much I feel I am drowning He is holding out His hands to save me. I need only ask. 

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