Wednesday, June 3, 2015

Depression Round 2

Well, if you remember I've been very open about my depression and the things that are going on. So let me just take you down the road of the last 6 months.

October- I was super depressed and hit the lowest I've ever felt. All I did was cry all the time. I felt hopeless and worthless and I was done living life. I decided to be open about my feelings and go get help. So off to the doctor I went. I was diagnosed with Depression and High Anxiety.

November- Started to feel the affects of my anti depressants but it wasn't enough so we had to up my dose.

December- I started to feel better and couldn't believe that I let myself feel that way for so long.

January- Still feeling good.

February- Still feeling good but started to hit some highs and lows.

March- Lows are a bit lower but not too bad.

April- Lows are getting really low and hard to get out of.

May- Back to where I started in October and no more highs just feeling low and worthless, hopeless again and I was done living life again. I wanted to give up.

June- Doctors appointment today to "go off my medication" 

So today was the doctors appointment. I felt pretty bad walking in there with no change from October. I thought that she was going to think I was crazy. That she was going to criticize me for not "trying", I thought she was going to chastise me or hospitalize me or something or tell me there was no other hope or anything she could do.

I walked in there and she said "I looked at your chart and it looks like your having a rough time. Can you tell me about it?" No "your just looking for attention" no "Your crazy" No "Your not trying in life" No "there is nothing I can do"

After I got done telling her about the last few months she goes. "oh! It sounds like you built up a resistance to your medication so it stopped working so you stopped feeling the effects of it! Lets put you on something else to get you feeling better again!" 

I was astounded. She never once made me feel terrible. Never once said it was my fault. Never once accused me of doing anything wrong. I know it sounds crazy but people with depression really truly honestly feel like everything is their fault. They feel hopeless and just can't handle anything. So when she validated me and my feelings my mood shifted! 

So now I'm being prescribed Prozac. Hopefully that will help. She's hopeful that it will, if not I'll go back in and find something else. 

This past month has been SO HARD! I've been just dragging my feet trying to do school, work, be a mom and a wife. I've been trying so hard to appear normal that I haven't done a great job of it. But I'm glad that I have answers to the madness now! So... I'll do another update on what's going after the next medication kicks in. Thank you so much for everyone's love and support lately and the anonymous notes being sent to me. You have no idea how much they mean to me. Seriously. I hang them on my fridge! 

**Oh and because people have asked about the pictures. I like to document what's going on in the moment so I can help other people. Not all the time. But I also document so when I do feel low I can go back and read what I wrote to help myself. I know I sound like a lunatic but when I capture those pictures "in the moment" It really helps make a difference! Just for everyone wondering.....**

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