Friday, April 3, 2015

What it feels like

Depression isn't something that ever goes away. It's always there. The only difference is that sometimes you get better at hiding it or your on medication.

I'm on medication but this week something has triggered it again and I've spiraled. Completely. Yesterday I just wanted to lay in bed and cry. For no reason. I just had this overwhelming sadness. 

And I can't explain why. I can't explain why I'm so sad, why I hurt, why I just want to lay in bed. Why it feels like I'm drowning. Why I don't want to make an effort. Why life is so hard. I just don't know why it's so hard.

I've had countless people or seen lots of people say things like:

Just find a reason to be happy! 
You just need to make an effort.
Everybody just gets sad sometimes. You just need to suck it up and deal with it.

And you know what I say to that? 

Nobody wants to feel like this! If we could change and be happy we would. We DON'T WANT TO BE DEPRESSED. We see everyone being happy and loving life and we just ache to be like that. But we can't. There is this darkness floating around us making it so we can't.

So I'm going to try to describe what it feels like to have depression so you can understand it's not something that just goes away. Something that you can "move on" from. or that you just "get over it" because you don't.

Depression consumes you. Once it starts it quickly takes over every part of you. Your mind, your body, your soul. You know it's silly to feel sad. You have no reason to feel sad and yet, you are sad. And it makes you feel worse to know that you have amazing things in life and yet you just CAN'T be happy. 

You feel like screaming. You feel like ending it. You feel like your drowning and you can't breathe and everybody around you can see you but have no idea. It's this ache in your chest, this overwhelming sadness. Like apart of you died. Because basically apart of you did die. You work hard to be happy to pretend you are okay. But your not. Everything is wrong, but yet nothing is wrong. And you feel like your going insane. You just want to be better but you can't. 

It feels like your walking through quicksand. But everyone else around you is walking just fine. While they can just walk through it, your sinking. You beg someone to see that your sinking. That it's pulling you in but everyone looks at you crazy because they are just fine. But your not. It's consuming you, pulling you deeper and deeper and your screaming for help but no one can hear. It's getting up to your head now and just pray you can hold on. It's crushing your chest making it harder and harder to breathe. You start to feel numb and don't know how your going to make it and everyone else around you is saying "Just get up and move on!" "just laugh and be happy!" But you can't because you are sinking and can't move and no one will help you! No one can see you sinking further into the ground that it's about to consume you. 

The hardest part with this is that most people with trials they can see the end in sight. But with depression there is no end in sight. It's a terrible cycle. You hit your low and you don't know how long you'll be there. How long you'll be sad and hurt. How long it will take to get yourself out of this hole. Because you know what its like to be happy. And you ache so bad to be back there again but you don't know when and if you will get back there again. So you hurt even more. You lay in bed knowing that there is things you need to do but you can't do them. You can't make yourself get out of bed or do them because it feels like your dragging yourself over and impossible mountain. And then you feel even worse because you failed. Your a failure. 

Having depression isn't something somebody chooses. People aren't just seeking attention. It's not just feeling sad for a bit. Its an illness. And should be treated as such. It's difficult to live with. And it makes people feel completely horrible about themselves. 

My advice is just love them. Be there for them. Understand that sometimes it may not make sense but just being there for them will definitely help. 

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