Tuesday, September 30, 2014

So... When you having another baby?!

I don't know about the rest of you. But the older Madeline gets the more people ask me "So when are you having another baby?" 

It's the same for everybody. You get asked the questions:

When are you guys getting married?

And then after you get married:

When are you guys having a baby?

Then you have a baby and then:

When you having another one?

I just don't understand why people think it's okay to insert themselves and ask such personal questions. So I'm going to say this for everybody else out there.

You see a couple who has been married for over a year and you start hounding them asking them "when you having a baby?" Over and over. What happens if that couple has been trying from day 1 to have a baby and they are infertile? And all your doing is adding salt to the wound. 

Everybody has their own plans in their life. And while you may be curious, you have no idea how much hurt can be made into one question. 

My daughter isn't quite 9 months old yet and I'm getting LOTS of people asking me now when I'm having another baby. In fact, ever since Madeline was about 2 months old people have been asking me when I'm having another one. So let me answer this question once and for all.

My daughter did a number on my body when I brought her into this world. Pushing a 9 pound baby into this world would do that to you. 

I ripped. And I ripped so bad that I got an infection from it. I started to bleed out. I felt like I couldn't sit down for almost 3 months straight after I had her. I would almost bawl my eyes out when I had to sit on hard chairs. But I didn't want to complain or let people know bad how bad it hurt to even walk because it's personal. So when people started asking me 2-3 months after Madeline was born when I having another one I wanted to do one of two things.

1. I wanted to laugh in their face. It was almost comical the fact that I just had a baby and they were already hoping and asking when I was having another one. And then I thought of smart aleck remarks about having another baby and it took all I had to bite my tongue and not say them. 

2. I wanted to cry. because I was still in pain from having her. In fact here I am 9 months later and my body is still trying to recover from having her. Let me say that again. My body is still trying to fix itself and heal. I don't think it's even possible to have another baby right now even if I wanted one. 

I want to cry at the thought of having another one. I love my daughter and I'm excited for the day when I can finally have another one. But seriously the thought of having another one... I just want to bawl my eyes out. 

I don't think I can even make myself go through that again at the moment. While I love my daughter and she has brought so much joy in my life, I just can't bring myself to do that again. 

I guess it comes down to I'm scared. I'm completely terrified. I need time. Madeline has been the best thing that has ever happened to me. But when your child is 1 week old and you can't even take care of her because you have an infection from child birth, that you and your husband are terrified that you might not make it through the night... I can't emotionally do that again. I couldn't take care of my new born baby for days 

(when the infection finally set in and my temperature hit a high of 103.7)

I was terrified. I was in so much pain. Worse than going through child birth itself. the next day I couldn't even open my eyes. I had to have ice packs on my head just to keep my temperature at 101. I had to have shots put in my body to help get rid of the infection. I couldn't nurse my baby for 2 weeks because I was put on such high doses of medication to get rid of the infection in my body. I used my pain medication after child birth for my infection because it HURT SO BAD!

I felt like I was fighting for my life. It was such a terrifying and horrible experience.

I didn't tell people this because I didn't want to scare friends who were going through child birth for the first time. But seriously. The thought of even doing that all over again when I still have the reminder almost everyday... I can't do it. Not yet. 

There are so many people who wait to have another baby, that you just don't know the reason. Many people don't know the struggle it was AFTER I had Madeline. 

So I'm asking you. Please. Refrain. As much as you want to ask that question to someone please don't. If they volunteer to talk about it openly with you, then that's great. But if you aren't close with them, don't ask. Because you don't know or understand their reasoning. And you just don't know what kind of a struggle they are dealing with.

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