Wednesday, November 6, 2013

I'm not a quitter



Over the last year I've had my ups and downs, as most people do. My faith has been tested and I'm happy to say I'm not a quitter.

I've gone through many doctors visits in the last year about my health. I was upset about hearing the news but instead of saying "why me" I had faith in Heavenly Father and prayed to him and was given one of lives greatest blessings. A baby.

Health problems are unfortunately just apart of life and you just have to take what Heavenly Father gives to you.

But aside from the health problems. Trials are just another part of life. And I've realized that lately I'm just a quitter. And I, Courtney Nicole Gordon Bleyle am NO quitter! 

Last year there was an incident that occurred that really hurt me. Piano is something that I have always cherished and loved and have worked hard at. I don't feel like the piano came "naturally" to me. I worked hard to get where I am. Every comment and praise I have gotten has meant soo much to me and I appreciate every. single. one. Sometimes I even cry at some of the sweet things people have said to me about my piano playing. 

So, with that being said. Over the last year there have been several occurrences from people that have really gotten to me. These individuals I'm not sure even know how much their actions and words have hurt me. One incident happened in front of my entire family (not saying which family but I'm sure MANY of you know the incident) the way they treated me in front of the whole family made me feel 1. That I was not wanted in the family. 2. That my piano playing was OFFENSIVE 3. I was not welcome to play the piano again. End of story.

So I quickly finished the song sat down and tried not to cry. But I vowed in that moment to never play the piano in front of the family ever again. Maybe I'm a little bit dramatic? But this person really hurt my feelings. In fact they hurt my feelings so much that I try to think of ways to get out of going to family functions. I feel so unwanted. And if I do end up going to family functions I try to avoid the person altogether.

But I am a quitter. I quit playing the piano in front of them for fear of more ridicule. Which is really sad because some of the sweetest compliments I've gotten was from that family.

Then on Sunday was my first Sunday as the new primary pianist in the ward. I was absolutely thrilled to get this calling. I showed up all ready to play (I was a teensy bit late) and showed up just in time to play the opening song. When all of sudden in the middle of the song another girl walks in and in front of the whole primary tells me to "get off" which I stopped playing becomes everyone is staring at me. So I hop off confused and I grab my book and she tells me that she didn't bring hers and wants to use mine. Now I know I am pregnant and a bit hormonal but seriously? she couldn't wait until the song was over and then very quietly say "oh your the new pianist actually you got the weeks wrong. You aren't suppose to play until next week" But instead tells me to "get off" and NOBODY in the primary presidency did anything. So I got out of there as fast as I could with tears streaming down my face.

On my way home I told myself I was never playing the piano again. It's obvious that Heavenly Father has put these people in my life to tell me I'm not wanted and to give up now.

But after talking to my mom she helped me realize it's really for me that I play the piano and no one else. And I would be so lost with the piano since it's such a big part of who I am as a person. 

So. I'm not quitting. I'm going to keep playing the piano. And to these two individuals. You've hurt me, you made me feel that I don't belong and I'm not good enough. But I'm here to say, if you don't want to hear me play then you can walk away. I play for ME. I'm not giving up something I love because YOU can't stand it. I'm going to start going to family functions again and you aren't going to make me feel like crap anymore. And FYI if you do try to pull another stunt like that again or say something about something I love, you're NOT going to be getting away with it this time. For a year you've been winning and I'm done. I will stand up and say something even if it's in front of the whole family. You have NO TACT and so if your going to attack someone's talent like that your going to be getting it from me. I will not let another person be hurt like the way you hurt me. You've been warned. 

I'm not a quitter.


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