Thursday, April 11, 2013

What I want in life....

My Name is Courtney Bleyle.

I'm 21 (almost) years old. 

If you would've asked me what I wanted to do with the rest of my life when I was 5 years old I might have said a princess.

If you would've asked me when I was 11 years old I would've said a veterinarian.

If you asked me when I was 13 years old I would've said a professional dancer.

If you asked me at 15 I would've said an FBI agent.

If you asked me when I was 17 I would've said a elementary teacher.

Now if you asked me at the age of 21, I would tell you that I want to be a mom. 

When I was 15 years old I didn't want to get married and I never wanted to have kids. I just didn't think it was in the cards for me. I mean seriously who would want to be stuck with me forever? I secretly wanted to be a mom but I thought there has to be more to life than just having kids. 

Now at the age of 21 I realize that I just didn't understand. I want to be a mom. More than anything else in this world. That children are the most important thing in this world and raising them to be good people is the best thing you can do for them. Not fighting crime and taking down a drug ring, or saving the country from a wanted fugitive. The most important thing is to be a mom to my children. 

I don't know when/if I'll have kids. I hope and pray I do. I guess it's just hard right now watching friends and family members starting families and knowing that right now isn't the best time or the right time for me to start a family of my own. Between work and school and well, really, my body. 

The stories I read from friends who are facing infertility break my heart and I pray for you ladies. I hope you know that. It's hard thinking all through your life that one day you'll have children and then one day finally realizing that chances are, you're not. 

I think right now in my life this is God's way of humbling me. For all the mean things I said about stay at home moms when I was younger. I sure am eating my words now. Kinda like Karma? well it sure paid me a visit.

So I'll continue to build my relationship with my husband. I'll continue to go to school to get my education and then I'll start my career. I'll follow my husband to med school and wherever else we go. And when we start to have children I'll know that it was God's will and timing. Not mine.

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