Friday, May 26, 2017

Breastfeeding Journey round 2

Alright peeps, I wrote this blog post about my breastfeeding journey with Madeline. It was a very bumpy ride and of course I was hopeful that with my next one that I would be able to breastfeed. So here is my breastfeeding journey for round 2. If you haven't read the first one you can click on the link above and read it there.

With Hailey I was determined to breastfeed and get the hang of it. I was super worried because with Madeline, it was issue after issue that caused me not to breastfeed her. So with Hailey I was definitely skeptical that I could actually do it.

My breastfeeding journey was a rough one actually. From another blogger, I recently found out that hemorraging after birth causes your breast milk to be delayed when coming in. Which is why it took a few days for it to come through with Madeline and Hailey.

While I knew it was important to feed my baby I kept requesting the formula in the hospital so I could feed my baby since I knew it'd be a few days (from my experience with Madeline) for my milk to come in. However, the nurse was extremely rude and said "well, you know breast is best" I told her I know, but my baby is starving and I'm not going to keep frustrating her with no milk coming out when I could give her a bottle. To me, there was nothing wrong with formula, it helped my first baby and she thrived just fine with formula so I wasn't opposed. and I definitely wasn't happy with the nurse for putting her views on breastfeeding on me. Because FED is best.

Once my milk came in Hailey would not take my breast at all. It was so frustrating because the same thing happened with Madeline. So I immediately started with the nipple shield. I wasn't sure if it was because of lip tie that caused it, or if it was me. But I was definitely getting worried. But Hailey seemed to be taking the breastmilk just fine, where Madeline puked it up.

I didn't have an infection either this time around, which definitely helped with the adjustment.

I finally got the hang of breastfeeding but was discourage with the shield because I felt I would never be able to go out in public because how could I feed my baby with having to use a shield and then a burp cloth underneath to catch all the excess milk dripping from the shield. I seriously never wanted to leave the house.

Eventually though I started feeding Hailey before she got starving, because I attempted to feed her and get her to latch without the nipple shield, if she was starving she'd get so frustrated, but if I fed her before she was starving, she'd be patient enough to try without the shield. Eventually we got it so I could feed her in the day time without the shield and only needed to feed her with the shield at night feedings. 

Once she got the hang of day time feedings, we stopped using the shield altogether and it's been smooth sailing ever since. All in all the first 2 months of breastfeeding were rough. But after we got the hang of it, it's been pretty easy. 

When Hailey hit about 5 months she hated having something over her when I was feeding her in public. So I was definitely worried about feeding her in public. But I figured out that layering is your best friend, and bringing a small blanket to put over you, and around her, but her face helps hides things pretty good ;) And people don't really notice you're breastfeeding. I have never gotten anyone coming up to me saying anything nasty about me breastfeeding uncovered. If they did, I'd just politely thank them for their opinion and just keep feeding my baby. 

The issue though I have encountered is, my baby was exclusively breastfed after my milk came in and refused to take a bottle, to the point now where I am trying to wean her from breastfeeding (while she has 3 teeth coming through) that she will not take any milk, or sippy cup. I'm trying to only breastfeed her now before she naps and goes down for the night. 

(Maddie and I)

(Hailey and I)

Both of my kids are happy and healthy. One was formula fed, and the other is breastfed. But they both are thriving, and happy kids. While both my journeys haven't been easy and both ended differently I came to know that FED IS BEST. Don't let anyone shame you for your own journey. NO matter what you journey looks like, you know what's best for you child. 

Shoot me any messages you have! I'd love to help any future or current momma's on their own journey and help them find what's best for you and your child!! Much love!

Saturday, May 13, 2017

Mom... Thank you...

Mothers day is all about mom's. And I can't let this day go by without acknowledging my own mother!

I found this book at deseret book and I loved all the questions it had to answer about your mom. I wanted to get it, but I didn't want just another thing that sat and collected dust. So instead I wanted to fill out the questions here!

When I close my eyes and picture a typical day at home when I was a child you are....

Well, mostly I was at school, and you were at work. But I don't ever feel like I was shafted because you had to work. I do remember dad taking us to visit you at work. I remember feeling so proud that you were this amazing awesome nurse that everyone loved. I loved coming to visit you. We kids always begged dad to let us go with him to visit you at work. We always wanted to get you something, like a drink or candy or something to show you we missed you! Sometimes though, dad wanted to go without us. And we never thought that was fair.

Sounds and smells I associate with you from my childhood is....

I only included this one because I  still smell this now. Its the smell of the hospital and the place you work. But I don't know, it brings comfort to me in a weird way? Hospitals usually freak people out, but to me the smell of the hospital reminds me of you, so in a way it kind of brings me comfort. It's weird.

I love this funny family story about the time you....

So... as I was telling you, I don't really have any. Because you're the smart one in the family and stand idly by while the rest of us do stupid things. I have been racking my brain for days trying to think of something, but there isn't anything. And in your words "someone has to be the smart one" However for fathers day... I'll be having lots of stories!

I used to love it when you...

Ha, this one is silly, but take care of me when I was sick. As a mom now, no one cares when I'm sick. In fact it's the worst. I get children still screaming and demanding I pay attention to them when all I want to do is curl up on your couch with my pillow and blanket and turn on Sound of Music and have you take care of me. And since I've been sick for the last 6 weeks now. I'm totally over being sick and being a mom!

You were a hero to  me when....

You were always a hero to me. So there is so many times.... I loved when you would stick up for me. That's always a given but when you would fight for your children. And then when you were working full time, going to school full time and would still do everything in your power to spend those few precious moments with us. You brought us with you when you needed to do homework, or go to a play for school. You lost sleep at night or sacrificed getting a better grade to come see a soccer game or a dance or choir performance. Those moments when you didn't think your children were watching, we were.

Something you have instilled in me I hope to instill into my children....

The importance of education and never giving up on your dream. I know you are in your 40's and still working on getting your bachelors degree. I know it may seem tedious and awful that your daughter is working on her bachelors at the same time. But I watched you from a child working part time and going to school, then realizing you wanted to go back and the sacrifice you would have to make and realizing how beneficial it would be in the future. And then choosing to go back yet again, working full time, both times. But the thing we noticed is that you NEVER gave up. You kept going. So now, when I want to give up on going to school that I think its next to impossible to do it, I watch you and see it is possible. and that I can do it!

One of the best parenting tips you gave me was...

My children are going to love me because I'm their mom. I don't know how many times I cried to you worried about being replaced, or feeling like my children are going to hate me because I had to work or go to school and that I spent a lot of time trying to do both. You showed me that I will always be their mom and that isn't something that can be taken away. I needed to hear that many times and you always told me I'm their mom, and always will be and that will never change.

Happy Mothers day mom! I hope that it's amazing and I just want you to know you are the best mom in the whole world (well aside from me ;) no just kidding) you really are the best mom ever!
Thanks for being the best example of what a mother should be. You give me hope that maybe I'll be half the mom you are! I love you mom! Thanks for being you! And if I don't say it enough, thanks for everything you do, and did for me. It never went unnoticed. Not now, and not then.

Saturday, April 15, 2017

Fighting for marriages

Zack and I are coming up on 5 years of marriage. Say what?! Which makes us season veterans at marriage... well... not really. But it feels like it.

It seems so long ago that we were just able to get up and do what we wanted with life. We didn't have children that needed our constant attention, instead of nights spent cuddling on the couch watching our favorite netflix show, instead Zack spends it at work, while I spend nights chasing our two hyper active children around, and then go to bed early so I can go to work in the morning.

We spend about 2 hours a day together, in between when I get off and he goes to work. That doesn't seem like much time, and it's not. But we make it work.

I read back through all my old blog posts. And while yes, we were oo gooey mushy in love, and sometimes I thought marriage was hard. It wasn't even close to as hard as it has been.

You see our marriage at times felt like it was going to fail. in 2014-2015 those two years I spent so much time being a dead fish, and so overly emotional, and quite frankly our marriage was just surviving.

Surviving. not something you want to use to describe a marriage. You would want to use words like love, and amazing, and wonderful. But it wasn't. Our marriage was barely floating, we were fighting to survive. But the key word here was FIGHTING. Sometimes though, It wasn't me that was fighting. It was Zack and Zack alone.

I like to think of marriage like this:

Your climbing a cliff together, and when your dating and getting to know each other you are climbing the cliff together, and if you decide not to stay together you can just jump down, but the better you get to know each other the higher you go so if you choose to let go the harder it hurts.

After you get married though you are pretty high up there. And at times it felt that we I was just dangling there while Zack held on to my arm with his sweaty fingers trying not to let go.

While there were times I felt like saying "just let go! I'm not worth it!" he never did. No matter what I did, no matter what I said. He stayed. He held on for both of us, even when I couldn't. He did it. We may have fell a little bit, but he caught us each time.

And that's the most important thing I think about marriage. Marriage isn't about 2 people being strong together. It's taking turns being strong and holding each other up. Loving each other no matter what and choosing each other, choosing to love each other despite what we put each other through.

There are so many people who ask who watches our kids, and I tell them mine and Zack's schedules. They say "whoo, that's rough!" How do you not see each other?!" and I just smile and say "yeah its difficult" but All I can think to myself is this is nothing.

Because when I'm falling asleep at night I listen to him out in the living room until I fall asleep knowing he's there.

because if I need him he is there and he listens.

because we spend the few and I mean few minutes alone with each other giggling with each other and laughing.

because he stays with me until I fall asleep sometimes talking about random facts.

Marriage isn't full of love dovey posts, and getting flowers everyday.

Sometimes it takes someone holding on to other making sure you don't let go. It's never letting go.

Thanks Zack for never letting me go. You keep my grounded and give me reason to keep going! I love you, I love you, I love you. Always to the moon and back!

Wednesday, April 12, 2017

Fill the Dang Silence

For so long I stopped writing on this blog because I felt no one cared what I was writing and I was told to stop talking about unhappy things all the time.

Literally people told me "if you just focus on the positive then you'll feel better!" So I felt that if I didn't have anything positive happening in my life then it wasn't worth posting.

I think that's where the whole "social media lies" come from. The fact that we only post our highlight reels and never show the rest of the world what really goes on. I follow instagramers that lead beautiful lives, or so I think, but their lives look beautiful and the look so put together all the time, and I think to myself "I will never be that beautiful, I will never be that put together" and it really starts taking a hit to my self esteem.

When people told me I needed to stop talking about, or that it was embarrassing that I talked about my mental illnesses so much and I did stop, that was when things got so much worse for me to the point where I considered, very seriously, of ending my life. Because I felt that my voice was taken from me. That my voice didn't matter, the things I say don't matter and that they tried very hard at silencing my voice.

I don't know what was going on in there own lives but I hope they never have to understand what it's like to be silenced. Silenced because no one wants to hear about their times of trouble. I feel that so many people don't want to stand by you in times of trouble, they only want to stand with you and be there with you when you succeed.

So I stopped. I stopped talking, I stopped opening up. I forgot why I wrote about my depression and anxiety in the first place. I wrote for those who were suffering in silence and felt they were alone in the world. I wrote to educate those around me of what it was really like to have a mental illness. I wrote so others knew what it was like so they could help and see warning signs and prevent some tragedies from happening.

I almost took my life because my voice was taken. But I realized, I have a voice and I will never be silenced. My life isn't full of just happy times with beautiful smiles. It's filled with hard work, tears, days spent laying on a couch taking every ounce to get off and fight.

Life is amazing, but it's so hard and it's filled with good days and bad days and we should be allowed to open up to others about our struggles and seek comfort from them.

So if you ever felt you were silenced, get your voice back. Reclaim it, you have a voice, use it and use it for good and never be silenced again!

Friday, March 24, 2017

Whats going on

You guys I'm totally failing at this whole blogging thing lately.  Seriously. So lets do a brief whats going on in our lives

I started my new job two weeks ago. As of my last blog post I decided to not go back to work, but it just sort of worked out that way. Zack and I work at the same company, Entrata. And we are super stoked.

That first day was pretty bad for everyone, well except me. Poor Hailey cried the whole day, I came home and the house was a mess and everyone was crying and Zack looked like he went through the ringer. I felt so bad. As the week went on it got a little better, and now Hailey doesn't cry when I leave, or get home and she gives me big hugs when I get home and it's the best part of my day now.

Madeline finished up her dance class. I wish we would've been able to do it for another 8 weeks but my work schedule just didn't work out...

Sometimes I feel that life is just passing me by. But I know in a year everything will be different. I got my official graduation date which is next April. But, silly me, decided to go back to school for longer and also get a degree in Paralegal Studies, which it'll only be like a semester longer. So not too bad. I'm excited to finally figure out what exactly I want to do for a career! Finally!

Eventually I'll get better at blogging once training gets over. But follow us on Instagram! To keep up with our lives!!

Monday, February 13, 2017


So over a month ago Zack lost his job and we've been working on getting things back to normal ever since. Our new normal is just basically everything is up in the air. I struggle some days with our new reality. Zack is in training so he works from 8-12, for 4 weeks. Thankfully he only has one more week of training, so we won't be living off a part time salary.

Unfortunately we've looked for other jobs for me, and they just aren't working out. So we just feel that it isn't right, right now. Every semester it seems I get money back from school, which we just put in savings so that right now has been saving our butts. So we're okay right now. But we've had to definitely change our lifestyle a bit.

We used to have tons a money a month to eat out and go and do things, and now we don't have any. So we don't eat out unless we have a gift card, or we just go out and find something to do that is free. Which is walk around the neighborhood, or go to a park, or go to the mall and walk around there and let the kids play at the playground there.

I've been coming up with some new recipes that don't cost lots of money and are easy to make so that's a plus! I'm compiling a list of recipes to put on here for other people because I seriously have struck some gold with some of these recipes! So I'll post them soon!

Basically were just trying to stay afloat. Luckily we've stayed on top of our bills which is something to be grateful for. However our car needed a new battery which SUCKS, then it needed a new alternator, and then the engine blew shortly after we were able to replace all of that stuff. So we had to get a new car. So bad, and good news. We found some ways to save money. And again I'll post some tips and tricks to save money that we have found and things we have realized to help prepare for the unexpected. So prepare yourself for a bunch of blog posts!!

School is going well for me. I would be on what you would call the "Honor Roll" This semester started out bad since Zack lost his job when I went back to school, but I made up for it and now have straight a's again. The semester ends next week and I'm so excited for it to be over! Woot woot! I'll be graduating soon! AH!!! I'm excited to finally be done.

Well that's all for now. watch for those blog posts coming your way!

Sunday, February 5, 2017

Am I good enough?

In relief society today our lesson was on Am I good enough? 5 women got up and just jokingly we started to compare them to one another, we were laughing but you could see how uncomfortable those ladies were. So the point of the president was why do we do this to ourselves?! Why do we compare our weaknesses to others strengths?

It's easy to compare yourself to others on social media because you see these beautiful pictures that show their lives put together and everything seems perfect and you just feel like you aren't good enough and that you are a failure.

Then we talked about how we as parents we cheer on our children and are so proud of their accomplishments. Heavenly Father is the same way, he doesn't sit there and think "wow she isn't doing good enough" NO he sits there and cheers us on, we used the analogy of a referee vs a cheerleader. He is our own personal cheerleader, not the referee. He is happy for those who do the best they can do, even if their best for that day was just surviving, or if your best was completing homework or dragging your butt to work, or just being kind to another.

So I just wanted to post this on here just in case someone else needed to hear this today as well. Because I sure needed to hear it. We need to hear it everyday. YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH! and you DO ENOUGH! 

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